Public Farting

I pride myself on not being such a "girl" about everything, but I would still die if I farted in public. I'm not even brave enough to attempt a "silent" one in a public area. I still, however, find it hilarious when other people fart unless it's obnoxious or repeatedly purposeful. My younger brother, who can fart at will, still doesn't understand this concept and continues to savor his farts like they're some kind of aged cheese. I swear I've caught him inhaling. And they're awful. They smell like wet cat shit. I admit it's been a humorous path. When he was in elementary school he tried to teach another kid this amazing and unique talent but the poor kid just ended up crapping himself. Some just aren't equipped to carry the gift.
Accidental farts are the best. My favorite kind occurs when someone attempts to hide one with another sound . . . like a cough . These are fantastic simply because it can't be done. You can't hide a fart noise with a cough! And of the two times that I've seen this, both guys got their timing wrong so that the fart occurred just before the loud and labored cough. If anything you've just drawn more attention to yourself. Also, if you're going to try this one, you can not get mad when the people around you piss themselves laughing. Just own it. It's great. It's comedic timing at its finest.



Another good one is when someone gets brave enough to actually try an SBD and then fails. These people hold back until the last moment, cheeks clinched as though their lower intestines depended on it, until they get so desperate they decide to "sneak one out." Sometimes, you'll get away with this one until someone smells it. And if you're a pretty girl, you can always blame it on the nearest male and I'm sure that no one will question it. But on one rare and delightful occasion, it may come out sounding surprisingly like a question mark.

But the absolute best of all are the "blaming it on an innocent party" farts. I feel I should defend myself. When I was about six, I was a pretty shy little kid and I was also extremely sensitive. While visiting relatives in Memphis, I sat on a chair with a vinyl covering and it erupted with the most assured fart blast I have ever heard. And of course I couldn't replicate it. I just continued bouncing up and down in my seat, trying to make it happen again, to prove I wasn't guilty. But it was all in vain. "You farted," said my super-empathetic father. "It was the chair," I moaned. I knew this would happen. If anything embarrassing happened in front of dear old dad he only added to my malady.

"It was you."

"Nooooooo!"

He smirked. "Yeah."

He finally broke me and I blubbered dramatically, "NOOOOOOO! IT WAS THE CHAAAAAIIIIIIRRRRR!!!!" Then I sobbed and raged and flailed and eventually almost knocked myself unconscious when I smacked my head on the kitchen table.

My mom, unabashed by the entire display on either side, and in true Southern woman/mama fashion, said, "Both of y'all just quit."