Goats are A-holes and So are Cows

Throughout my childhood, I spent a moment here and there despising cows and goats and any other animal that reminded me that God had chosen for me to be born in Alabama. I think that's what I'd do if I hated someone....and if I had the power.....and if reincarnation exists. Mean to me in 3rd grade? BLAM! Alabama. Dated someone you knew that I liked? POW! Now you're a goat in Alabama. In your face. The dumbest state except for maybe Kentucky and Connecticut. Now I really like Alabama, but I was a dumb kid back then.
Once I stopped at a gas station after I visiting my cousin, Syd. It's located on Butter & Egg Rd. in a little area known as "Lick Skillet." I did not make that up. Anyway, as I'm going into the store I hear a loud bleat and I look over to see a goat with its head stuck in a chicken wire fence. Behind him is another goat performing what appeared to be a feeble attempt to free its friend with its teeth. I considered for a moment helping the goat out, but I learned along time ago, having grown up in the country, that goats are assholes who would rather die than accept help. So, I thought, "Shit on that goat," and continued walking into the store.
When I came back out both goats now had their heads lodged in the fence and a third was approaching. I just shook my head and ambled back inside to tell the guy behind the register, "I just wanted to let someone know that there are a couple of dumbass goats stuck in the fence next door and it looks like there's about to be a third."
"OK," he said.
OK. Conscience cleared. Now that may seem harsh, but ask anyone who raises goats. When my uncle started raising them, he at first chuckled at their idiocy and cried over the body of every little dead baby goat (apparently they die easily). But after dealing with their assholey ways for a few years his sentiment eventually became the same as mine: Shit on goats. Plus they have those weird octopus eyes. To quote Cake, "Goats go to hell." I have so many goat stories it's unreal and goats play the role of major assholes in them all.

Cows are equally stupid jerks. So, shit on them, too. My great-grandmother used to take me to visit her neighbor's cows. I guess she just thought I'd enjoy it and it got me outside for a little while. I loved it until the day I was petting a baby cow and it began to lick me. Cow tongues are long and weird and before long that little calf was trying to suck my whole arm down into its mouth. I was probably four and therefore terrified that my short sweet life was about to be ended by a carnivorous cow. I don't really remember how it ended, but I know that I've never much cared for cows since then. And I live out in the sticks, so there's cows everywhere. It seems as though they know that I don't particularly care for them. I guess they sense it and I think they may be psychic because they know when I'm approaching. I can be driving blissfully down a scenic country road and I happen to turn my head. And there's a cow. Pissing. A horrible, strong stream of cow piss. If you've never seen this consider yourself fortunate. Because its disturbing to say the least. Nothing like a steady stream of cow piss to ruin your day.